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Анекдоты на разные темы


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Железнодорожница спрашивает у бегущего за поездом и размахивающего руками мужчины: – Мужчина! Вы что, на поезд опоздали? – Нет, блин, я его с вокзала выгоняю!


Начальник тюрьмы обращается к смертнику, сидящему на электрическом стуле:
– Ваше последнее желание?
– Пожалуйста, держите меня за руку. Мне так будет спокойнее.


Перед операцией:
– Доктор, вы лично будете меня оперировать?
– Дa: люблю, знаете ли,хотя бы раз в году проверить – помню ли я еще что-нибудь…





– В какой институт принимают без экзаменов?
– В Институт Склифосовского.


Женщина моется в общей ванной коммунальной квартиры, а сосед встал на табуретку в коридоре и заглядывает через стеклянный верх двери. Она заметила и говорит:
– Ну, чего уставился ? Голой женщины не видел ?
– Нужна ты мне ! Я смотрю, чьим ты мылом моешься !





Муж ждёт жену у салона красоты. Когда она вышла к нему, он посмотрел и говорит:
– Ну, ничего… Во всяком случае, ты хоть попыталась.


Первоклассник Вовочка учит слоги по букварю:
– Ба-бу-бы…
Проходящий мимо папа:
– А не рано ли тебе, сынок?


Встречаются два нарика:
– А ты слышал, Вася-то в медицинский институт поступил!
– Ого! А что он там изучает?
– Да это не он… Это его там изучают…





Две блондинки в душе:
– Передай мне, пожалуйста, шампунь.
– Но у тебя целая бутылка в руке.
– Это для сухих волос, а я их уже смочила.


Сидит блондинка, и вдруг слышит шум в голове. Спрашивает:
– Эй, кто это там?
– Да не бойся, это я, червь-мозгоед!
– А что ты там делаешь?
– С голоду пухну!





– Я толстая?
– Нет.
– Но похудеть не помешало бы, да?
– Ты мне и такая нравишься.
– Но восторга не вызываю, да?
– Вызываешь восторг.
– Но не бешеный, да?..


Один хакер – другому:
– Мне тут одна девчонка роман Достоевского на мыло прислала, вчера читать начал.
– Ну и как?
– Интересно, только мрачный он какой-то. Прикинь, пять с лишним мегабайт текста, и ни одного смайлика!





Перед операцией:
– Доктор, вы лично будете меня оперировать?
– Дa: люблю, знаете ли,хотя бы раз в году проверить – помню ли я еще что-нибудь…


– В какой институт принимают без экзаменов?
– В Институт Склифосовского.





Дама сообщает подруге, что в четвёртый раз выходит замуж.
– Опять? – удивляется та. – Ты как дерево: каждый год новое кольцо…


Встречаются две подруги.
– Давно тебя не видела. Как ты со своим живешь?
– Знаешь, неплохо. С тех пор как мы поженились, я заметно выросла в его глазах.
– Это как?
– Ну, сначала я была для него мышка, а теперь уже крыса.
Гид-переводчик водит по Питеру группу туристов из Европы.
– А там вы видите наш новый стадион в форме летающей тарелки. Он называется Зенит-Арена и стоит миллиард евро… Нет, мадам, летать он не может… Даже за такие деньги.





– Интересно, почему в Европе и Америке скотч – это шотландский виски, а у нас – клейкая лента?
– Потому, что с нашими зарплатами денег хватает только на клейкую ленту, чтобы губа не раскатывалась…


Вот у меня соседка молодец! Двадцать минут мужа матом крыла и ни разу не повторилась… А что – учительница русского языка и литературы!


Сегодня на улице встретил бабулю в футболке с надписью “Если хочешь меня – улыбнись!”. Я ещё никогда не прилагал столько усилий, чтобы сохранить серьёзное выражение лица.





В супермаркете узбек, который не знал, как будет курица на русском, нашел яйцо и спросил у продавщицы:
«А гдэ мама? »


Россияне просто обязаны ввести ответные санкции против США и ЕС – для этого они должны выйти на центральные площади своих городов и безжалостно сжечь все имеющиеся у них евро и доллары!


– Подсудимый, признаёте ле вы, что убили пострадавшего?– Нет.– Известно ли вам, каково наказание за ложь под присягой?– Да – значительно меньшее, чем за убийство


Судят человека, которому за 80 и приговаривают его к 25 годам. Он выслушал приговор и в последнем слове сказал: – Граждане судьи, благодарю за доверие. Постараюсь его оправдать!





Маленький мальчик спрашивает у отца:
– Пап, а пап… а почему меня все экскаватором дразнят?!
– Закрой рот – мебель поцарапаешь!


Сидит в автобусе панк. Тут входит старик на костылях, подходит к панку:
– Молодой человек, уступите мне место, я свою ногу в 42-м потерял.
– Дед, ехал я сегодня в 42-м – не было там твоей ноги.


Идет как-то поздно ночью гоpбатый мужик по кладбищу. Вдpуг его какой-то загpобный голос останавливает:
– Мужик, а мужик, ты гоpбатый?
– Да, вот? с детства горб у меня…
– Hет, мужик, ты не гоpбатый!
Hу мужик пpикольнулся и ушел домой. Дома видит – гоpба нет. Он к соседу, выпили. Hу и pассказал, как дело было. А сосед с pождения хpомой был. Hу, думает, чем чеpт не шутит, пойду и я туда. Пpишел ночью на кладбище, идет. Тут ему тот же загpобный голос:
– Мужик, ты гоpбатый?
– Hет, не гоpбатый, хромой я…
– Hет, мужик, ты гоpбатый!


– Встретимся?
– Давай!
– Как я тебя узнаю?
– Я буду без спиннера.





Лето прошло, а ты белый как сметана и жирный как сметана.


Две соседки говорят о детях: – Слушай, как твой быстро вырос! Наверное, “Данон” от “Растишки”? – Да что ты, – дебил от Гришки…


– Девушка, вы бы вышли замуж за радикала?- Ради чего?


Встречаются в море две рыбки – одна маленькая, другая большая.
Большая рыбка говорит маленькой :- Большие рыбы едят маленьких!На что маленькая отвечает:- Да, но где мы их найдем?!!!


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1 938 комм. на статью “Анекдоты на разные темы

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